tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC June 7, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT
i did not have a great weekend. true to the death, the worst possible thing that could happen to anyone, happened to me at this weekend at 3:15 p.m. exactly on friday afternoon our wifi went out and never came back all weekend. i would say it was a nightmare but nightmares don't go on for four days. i could only use the connection on my phone like an animal. i was almost completely cut off from the outside world. it's funny how quickly you forget how everything works. i was like i can't go online, let's watch netflix. oh, no, we can't watch netflix. [ laughter] no, pandora. no spotify, no apple tv, nothing. we had -- even when i tried to look the number up to call the company to tell them the internet doesn't work, i had to go on the internet to get the numbers and then it was two hours on the phone on friday night with the
flashing?" yes, it's still flashing. okay can i put you on hold and you know they're smoking or something. it was terrible. i almost broke down and opened a book. i came this close and we're on day five of not being able to stick my daughter in front of "curious george" for three hours. let me tell you, when i'm vice president, the wifi will never go out. [ applause ] it's as simple as that. wifi goes out, i'll grab the head of the company, throw the son of a -- right in prison and anyone forced to spend anymore than 30 minutes on the phone with their internet service provided will be awarded the vice presidential medal of freedom. [ applause ] guillermo, you had a rough weekend to? my brother in law called me and said guillermo got a concussion over the weekend. what happened? >>
guy hit the ball hard and hit me right here. >> jimmy: were you the goalie? >> yeah. >> jimmy: so, it went right in your forehead? >> right here. >> jimmy: and you weren't protected by all the gel that you keep in your hair? >> no, it was sunday. >> jimmy: i would think the ball would pop if it hits your head. >> no, but it was sunday. >> jimmy: oh, you don't use gel on sunday. >> no. >> jimmy: #no gel sundays. wow. [ applause ] and then you had the concussion and went to the doctor and you're okay now? >> yeah, they gave me a shot and say it take a couple days for the headache to go away. >> jimmy: what did your wife say? [ laughter] >> my wife got real mad. she said i cannot believe a 45 years old man playing soccer. you know what, forget it. no more sex. if you keep playing soccer, no more sex.
>> jimmy: well this sounds like a convenient way to get out of sex with you. [ laughter] >> no more soccer. >> jimmy: but you did or did not have wifi at your house? >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: still had a better weekend than i did. [ applause ] here's something i was unable to comment on because of my wifi fiasco this weekend. because it was memorial day, a big day for grilling, barbecuing, that sort of thing. apparently there was a debate online about whether or not a hot dog is a sandwich. bring me my podium. [ applause ] one thing i've learned in this campaign is people really love podiums. it's crazy. on friday of last week, my fellow of americans. the people that edit the merrium webster dictionary had the tumarety to declare, by
or more slices of bread or a split roll with filling in between. but that definition, that's their definition. by my definition, a hot dog is a hot dog. it's its own thing with a specialized bun. if you went in a hot dog and ordered a meat tube sandwich, they'd probably call the cops on you. i don't care what anyone says, a hot dog is not a sandwich. if hot dogs are sandwiches, then cereal is soup. chew on that one for a while. [ applause ] hamburger not a sandwich either. that's right. when i'm vice president, this will not be a matter of debate this will be written into the law. please, remove this podium. [ applause ] ♪ all right. i'm done with that now. [ laughter] hey, did you watch that basketball game last night? [ applause ]
game seven. a lot of people watching. they had 16 million viewers. the most watched cable telecast of an nba game ever. the warriors were down 3-1 and they came back to win it. meaning they'll face the cleveland cavaliers for a rematch of last year. coming back from being down three games to one is big, but the longest shot in the arena last night was this gentleman. if you zoom in bernie sanders was at the game with danny glover. i get that bernie has to sit in the crappy seats to keep the whole homeland of the people thing going but danny glover has to say great, why do i have to sit here with this cheap skait. i'm at game seven in this seat. his best friend from child hood was moses. the moses. bernie sanders and donald trump were both here.
and donald trump accepted the challenge. and unfortunately, over the weekend, both bernie and his supporters got fired up and started a hashtag. that's when you went know it's serious. #chicken trump. it sounds like a nickname donald trump would give donald trump if he wasn't donald trump. i don't think calling donald trump chicken is going to hurt him. have you ever been to panda express? people love orange chicken. [ applause ] there won't be a trump-sanders debate, which was probably a good decision for donald. did you see him at the bike rally? here he is at half speed in tonight's edition of "slow and tell." >> look at all these bikers. do we love the bikers? yes. we love the bikers. all over the place, no matter
where i go, there's bikers and they come with the bikers and the bikes are all over. [ applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: donald trump got a big indorsement from the north korean state media. for real. they praised him for being a wise politician and said hillary clinton is dull. so, that's a nice feather in his cap. of course, north korea indorsed donald trump. they want at least one other country to have a leader with worst hair than theirs. here on abc, it was our second episode of "the bachelorette". every year i say i'm not going to get sucked in and i do. every year there's a guy or gal the contestants can't stand. you know the biggest jerk you hope to never see again the day after you graduated? that's chad.
he's always working out. talking about how he's better than all the other guys. threatened to punch one guy's teeth out. on his first date, he called her naggy, which in my experience, women love. [ laughter] he's what you would get if you inject human growth hormone into a nickel back album. and like most good super villains, chad has a sidekick, it's daniel. he's on the left, he follows chad around, agrees with whatever he says and they even wore matching tank tops and had incredible conversations like this one. >> i think jojo wants a man. i can't see her falling in love with a childish boy like some of these guys. s >> if you were plaking a protein shake with the dudes here, half of that dude protein shake would be -- i mean, have
>> exactly. exactly. i mean, what? this show needs someone in the moments a statement like hat is made steps in and says something like this. >> if you're making a protein shake made up of the dudes here and you blended it up, what kind of shake do you get? half of that dude protein shake would be -- like, have zero chance. >> dude, like that makes no sense. [ applause ] all right, so last week on the show we met these two adorable senior scitizens. grandma and ginga. they make these videos on youtube where grandchildren tape them fighting and it's hilarious. last week i asked them to watch
they'd never seen the show before. and here's a snippet of what they thought of it. >> can you tell me how long this is going to last? >> a cup of sweet wine. >> this is a play. there's a little man. that was a little man . how do you like this part? [ bleep] [ bleep] >> jimmy: she didn't like it. so, when we come back, grandma and ginga are here to review "game of thrones." so, stick around. we'll be right back. [ applause ] ♪
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>> jimmy: tonight on the show music from josh abbott band. from "silicon valley" thomas middleditch is here. last week on the show i chatted with two incredible sisters from clarksberg, west virginia. grandma's 102, and ginga's 97. i asked them to watch and review "game of thrones." sunday night on hbo. here's a clip of them watching the show. >> that boy on the horse. >> is he going to marry her? [ phone ringing] >> my toes are getting numb. >> what? >> my toes are getting numb. >> what? >> my toes are getting numb. >> jimmy: her toes are getting
cisco screen, grandma and ginga. hello, ladies. [ applause ] hi, there. how are you? >> we're fine. >> jimmy: my first question and i'll ask both of you, in your opinion is a hot dog a sandwich? >> no, it's a hot dog. [ applause ] >> you're quite welcome. >> we sure got some good hot dogs in west virginia. >> jimmy: do you really? >> d and l is the best place. >> jimmy: what do you put on your hot dog? >> chilly, mustard and onions. >> jimmy: and you ginga? >> same thing. >> and hot pepper. >> we want our hot dogs to be hot. yeah, in west virginia.
watch "game of thrones" -- this week on hbo and i should ask -- [ phone ringing] >> jimmy: oh, no, your deafening phone -- >> i can't hear it. [ laughter] >> that dam phone has to ring right now. can you imagine? >> jimmy: i know it's crazy. >> i thought we disconnected it. it's connected. >> jimmy: what shows do you usually watch on television? >> i watch the dancers. >> jimmy: the dancing stars? >> yeah. and i can't remember all the names. >> jimmy: how about you, ginga? >> i like "law and order." anything murder. yes. >> all those old movies. >> jimmy: have you ever seen
>> no. >> jimmy: and did you like it? >> um, no. i think they're crazy. i don't understand it. >> jimmy: what didn't you understand? >> well, if that was a wife or whether they were going to run away with somebody else and i never did see that baby. i thought maybe they killed him. >> did you see a naked woman? >> and i was waiting for a woman to ride a horse naked. i never did see her but i saw the naked horse. >> jimmy: i was disappointed in that too. there were no naked people this week. >> no. that was lousy. >> jimmy: so, overall -- is there anything we could pass along to the people who make the show that would make it better for you?
any suggestions? >> candle light movie. >> jimmy: what does that mean? >> we couldn't see anything. >> couldn't see anything. just the candles. >> jimmy: i see p. it was not bright enough for you. so, maybe if they brightened it up, you would watch it? >> no. hell, no. >> i liked on the stage when the man dies, you know. i liked that. >> jimmy: okay. all right. >> no, not me. >> jimmy: you didn't like it at all? >> i didn't like anything of it. >> jimmy: well, we have one more clip of you guys watching it. let's take a look at that now. >> now we're going to see some action.'s >> what kind of animal is that flying? >> now i'm getting hungry. >> i'm all numb.
is that the end? >> hurray. >> thank god it's gone. >> he doesn't want us to see this over again. >> i'll die first. >> jimmy: so, you didn't like it. so, i was going to ask if you want to watch another episode. maybe we could send you to see the new "teenage mutant ninja" turtles. >> okay. >> jimmy: if you go see the movie and tell us whether it's good or not and whether we should go watch it? >> no, i don't want to watch anything. >> jimmy: you don't want to watch anything at all. i think we've lost them now, but we'll get grandma and ginga back. [ applause ] thank you, ladies. all right, thank you, grandma and ginga. >> jimmy: tonight on the show music from josh abbott band.
♪ [ applause ] >> jimmy: a very funny actor from the very funny show "sillicon valley" thomas middleditch is here. and this is their album. it's called "front row seat." and josh abbott band is here. and special programming, game one of the nba finals on abc. which means the return of our annual nba prime time preand post game sws
carry, jimmy butler and an all new nba edition of mean tweets thursday night here on abc. please join us for that. our first guest was a typical girl growing up in florida until she was bitten by a radio active fox and transformed into the super person we know today. she scours the suers "teenage mutant ninja turtles, out of the showers." ♪ >> o'neale. get that canister. ♪
please welcome megan fox. [ applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: can i just say my whole life i wanted to slide under a door just as it was about to close with some sort of villains on the other side. is that as good as it looks? >> i didn't do that. that was a stunt double. they had me on a piece of plexiglass and very gingerly pulled me with a fan blowing my hair. >> jimmy: so, you don't do your own stunts? >> i do but not that one. >> jimmy: you were just here and now bam, a baby's in there. >> there's a human growing in there. i was definitely pregnant. i was already in my second trimester. i just had on three pairs of spanx. we were really harnessing
cozy, warm, totally safe. >> jimmy: do you feel like you lied to me coming out here pregnant and not indicating it in any way? >> do you feel i owe you that refer referimation? >> jimmy: i'm going to be vice president. >> who is your president? >> i don't require a president. >> then why don't you just run for president? >> jimmy: really good question i don't know the answer to it p. i figured i'd take baby steps towards the white house and this would be the first. but let's stick to your baby steps and your babies. how old are your sons? >> 3 and 2. >> jimmy: do you they what's about to happen? >> i've shown them with a baby doll how it's going to turn upside down and where it's coming out. >> jimmy: oh, they do? >> they know. they know all that. >> jimmy: did that scare them at all. >> no, the little one, body thinks it's really funny you're going to feed a
way. >> they don't know. they think it sounds normal. >> jimmy: the attention may shift? >> the older one's aware but he's excited. >> jimmy: you said i think one of the last times you were here that your baby talks to you from the inside? >> well, not like you hear an audible voice, but i feel like you receive messages from the child if you're open to it. >> jimmy: like get me a pizza? >> no, i mean, they don't have teeth. that would be a challenge. things like this baby wanted me to live somewhere else. so, we're moving to a whole different place in los angeles, because i feel like that's where this baby wants to be raised. >> jimmy: for real? >> yeah, and i feel the baby is telling me it's elon musk. like, a super genius. >> jimmy: well, if this baby is able to convince you to move out of your house, it is a super genius or a realtor. it might be a baby realtor you have.
bench in the neighborhood? >> i have. >> jimmy: so, when you tell bryan austin green, your husband, the baby wants us to move, does he go, let me talk to the baby? >> no, he trusts me at this point because i've made so many good calls. i know it sounds crazy like i'm a lunetic. >> jimmy: yes. i mean, no not at all. [ laughter] >> but i've made some really good decisions based on what i think higher self is telling me. >> jimmy: but moving is a big thing. >> i don't think an infant is going to say not this one, we need the one down the street. i mean, anything is possible. >> jimmy: a 7-year-old may say i want to live in sleeping
>> we can't make magic happen, but do you just ignore your children when they ask you for things they want? >> jimmy: no, but if they told me we need to move, i'd say is a ghost in the house? >> what if they were like i feel i would thrive in that environment as opposed to this one? >> jimmy: i would hit them right in the head. we don't use words like thrive in my family. it's not one of our words. well, congratulations. that's very exciting and you look very beautiful as well. [ applause ] is it easier this time? >> it's easier -- because i've had a baby every other year since 2012. your body gets used to it but with the first one i was really afraid something was going to go wrong and the second one was so soon after the first, it was all a blur and this one i'm a little more relaxed, but because i know how much it hurts and as we're
nervous about that because that pain is no joke. >> jimmy: i know. >> oh, do you know? >> jimmy: yeah, i do know. you know how i know sn my wife tells me every three days. but i think if it's that bad, i'd have one and no more. >> well, i guess you forget. i mean, you get temporary amnesia in order to further the human race, otherwise there'd be no people left. >> jimmy: now, guillermo's got a hopper over there. two bingo hoppers. the first balls are what? what are in there? >> this is first names. >> jimmy: bird names. >> yes. >> jimmy: and the second is candle scents. >> that's right. >> jimmy: okay. and so if you really want to leave this to the gods, thi
i mean, really. are you willing to -- okay. >> jimmy: go crazy. there we go. all right. read the bird name first. >> toucan. mountain lodge. [ laughter] [ applause ] >> jimmy: megan fox everybody. "teenage mutant ninja turtles." [ applause ] ♪ honey, did you call the insurance company? not yet, i'm... folding the laundry! can you? no... cleaning the windows! the living room's a disaster! (vo) most insurance companies give you every reason to avoid them. plants need planting! well the leaves aren't going to rake themselves! (vo) nationwide is different. hon, did you call nationwide to check on our claim? (vo) we put members first. actually, they called me. ♪ nationwide is on your side
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to go right home with you. >> that's the dream. >> you road this here, i heard. >> i do. i'm a hollywood cat. >> jimmy: how far will you go with something like that? >> you can't go too far. there's a limited range. i rocked a good journey to silver lake once. to inspect various arm tattoos and fidoras. r you can bring your charger. it's very convene ynlient. skate board duct taped. >> jimmy: this is something you got from someone on the show? >> it's a trike. >> jimmy: because the show is tech oriented, you get stuff. >> we get
and you have a photo. >> i have a photo of the whole cast with their scooters. >> and matching jackets. >> jimmy: for the most part. >> except for t.j., naturally. >> jimmy: and do you all ride them around? >> i came back in the conversation and they were in the middle of demanding that we have matching jackets because that would be cool and then we're deciding what's it going to say on the back and on the back it was agreed upon it should say rude boys on the lot. because apparently we're the rude boys and we're on the sony pictures lot filming and we have these scooters. we're so not rude though. we've scooted around on those things and within two minutes security was like you can't use those.
bicycles only. and instead of us being like screw it, we're rude. we're like, okay sorry, we'll put them back. >> jimmy: that's scooter-like behavior. by the way i love the show. it's so very funny. [ applause ] is this truly your first big show that you've been on? >> yes, sir. >> jimmy: you're very -- i'd never seen you before the show and i was like who is that guy. >> it's this. small town canadian growing up. >> jimmy: i don't know what goes on in sillicon valley but i watch the show sunday night. it's so specific. those little details or those things you pick up from people as you meet them or is it entirely scripted out for you? >> all the specifics and nods to the real sillicon valley is big hats off to the writers. th
people they pillfer stories from and in terms of where richard comes from, i've dabbled in the nerdy arts from time to time. i may know what a computer is. >> jimmy: have you ever built one on your own? >> yes, sir, i have. >> jimmy: well, that's serious then. you're from british columbia? >> canada in the mountains. and my parents are ex-pat british. if you couldn't guess it by thomas middleditch, born out of a charles dickens novel. >> jimmy: very downtown abbey. >> yes, i grew up with a lot of shepherd's pies and all types of pies. >> jimmy: what did your parents do for a living? >> my mother was a special education teacher and my dad was a principal. >> jimmy: was he a principal at the school you won't to? >> for a year and i got in
and went to the principal's office and he's like, my own son. [ in english accent] >> jimmy: from his point of view, how difficult it would be to have your own son hiding in the curtains. >> of all things. that's a pretty rude thing to do. maybe this rudeness thing is going to stick afterall. >> jimmy: one of the worst things you could ever do to any parent. >> who's the bad kid hiding in the curtain? that's thomas middleditch. >> jimmy: the show is picked up for another season, which is exciting. when people send you the stuff, besides this, do you give any of it away to an assistant or something? >> i have an assistant. >>
you'd like the request? >> a hot air balloon. my own private zepline. >> jimmy: i heard you're a fan of "the bachelor", does it extend to "the bachelorette"? >> oh. chad he's a cartoon villain. i hope he stays around for so many more episodes. >> jimmy: by the end, i was so mad he got a rose but also of course you want him to continue on the show. >> the thing is he makes some good points. all these people -- okay. i'm going to get into the bachelorette. >> jimmy: you're going to side with chad? >> i kind of do. they've met for five minutes and he's just so amazing and i feel like i'm falling in love all over again and i'm like you don't know the person and chad's
bull -- [ bleep] you need to rewatch last night. that was his whole game. >> jimmy: was it really? i thought it was i'm better than these guys and of course she's going to pick the guy that's better. >> for sure that's part of his game. >> jimmy: what about daniel, his sidekick. >> oh, daniel, dan dan. he's a bummer the first episode when he gets super drunk and diving in the pool. and i'm like, of course he's the canadian guy. i was so bummed out. he's like, oh, yeah, buddy, right on. aye. why? you're killing me, daniel. >> jimmy: i'm going to pass your thoughts along to the producers and they will make the proper
adjustments. it's very nice to meet you. thomas middleditch everybody. we'll be right back with josh abbott band. nd champagne? in the back. [beep, beep] [cork pop] have a good night. the new water-resistant galaxy s7 edge. which saves money.owners insurance a smarter way, they offer a diy home inspection, which you do yourself, which saves money. they offer a single deductible, so you don't pay twice when something like this happens, which saves money. they make it easy to bundle home and auto,
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>> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by samsung. >> jimmy: i want to thank megan fox, thomas middleditch and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. nightline is next, but first their album is called "front row seat." here with the song "wasn't that drunk" with help from carly pierce, the josh abbott band. ♪ ♪ small talk and old friends
catching up on how you've been that smile i missed ♪ ♪ damn it's good to see you again ♪ ♪ i bought you a drink and i asked you to dance after a couple more rounds you were holding my hand ♪ ♪ next thing you know we're closing it down and we're sharing a cab back to your house ♪ ♪ i know we were laughing saying whatever happens we can blame it on the wine when the sun comes up ♪ ♪ if you're thinking it's because we were drinking well that don't mean that it don't mean much ♪ ♪ cause it did and it does the truth oft
drunk ♪ carly pierce, everyone. ♪ i was tipsy when you kissed me but that ain't why i kissed you back ♪ ♪ i'll be honest i've wanted to do that to do that do that ♪ ♪ oh so long and oh so bad then last night it happened so fast i'd do it over ♪ ♪ i wouldn't think twice cause lying here sober it still feels right ♪ ♪ i know we were laughing saying whatever happens we can blame it on the wine when the sun comes up ♪ ♪ if you're thinking it's because we were drinking well that don't mean that it don't mean much ♪
♪ cause it did and it does the truth of it is i wasn't that drunk ♪ ♪ i want you to know it wasn't just the heat of the moment ♪ ♪ i know we were laughing saying whatever happens we can blame it on the wine when the sun comes up ♪ ♪ if you're thinking it's because we were drinking well that don't mean that it don't mean much ♪ ♪ cause it did and it does and the truth of it is i wasn't that drunk oh i wasn't that drunk
♪ don't be afraid at the end of the day you got to get while you got it ♪ ♪ she said just keep me warm kissing was nice but it takes a little warmth ♪ ♪ i'm reaching for she was in my ear where are we going and we're already here ♪ ♪ you've got to get while you got it you've got to get it while you got it ♪ ♪ don't be afraid at the end of the day you got to get it while you got it ♪ take it boys. ♪
this is "nightline." tonight, a major milestone in american history. hillary clinton, the first woman to clinch a major party nomination, telling us tonight it's not just about her. >> what this moment means to you? >> the fierce pace face off ahead for the highest office in the land. and the career hit a high note with that song from "the bodyguard" but her tumultuous life took her down a dark path. tonight, bobby brown talking about the marriage to the drug use and how it all came crushing down. but first the "nightline" 5.